In addition to having the BEST BIRTHDAY'S EVE EVER I am now having the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.
Eve:
Got my car legal and MINE. I now drive a station wagon.
My scene in Performance went so very well!
Cupcake party with my St. Ed's friends.
Quiet Company concert with a NEW SONG YAY
Finally got to meet the lovely Leah Muse who was wearing the coolest shoes ever.
My mom conspired to have the best present OF MY LIFE waiting for me at home. Pics later.
Birthday!
I woke up to a HUGE bundle of flowers with a tag that completed Joshua's Birthday countdown sentence: "I need you like oxygen" *melt*
Krispy Kreme Donut in bed!
Long Hot shower where there was enough hot water!
Made caterpillars out of bananas in my first class of the day (Education class activity)
Made amazing strides in tutoring Hsa at the middle school and felt like a REAL TEACHER!
Got brownies to share with my last classes of the day
Got a badass parking spot on campus (THIS NEVER HAPPENS)
Also? The weather is my absolute perfect ideal day.
Birthday MAGIC.
To conclude I will be singing karaoke with all of my favorite people at Shooters Blue on 620. I'll get there between 9:30 and 10 and we'll have a cupcake cake. Be there if you can. I'll be happy to see you.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Thinking About God on a Rainy Day
This was a comment left on another blog, but I felt the need to put it here, to keep it visible for myself. This is the kind of thing that I try to gloss over with my family, but it's not worth it to hide. It's important to work through. I've forgotten a lot about the time in my life where faith was a struggle and not a comfort. I've entered a place of calm agnosticism, where I find the existence of God equally possible and impossible. I can feel that kind of peace only because I made it through the times when the absence of God in my life made me want to die. I've often been jealous of people I know who are certain of the existence of their God. They seem so comforted by it. I never was. Like an absent father or an abusive spouse, I felt the absence of God more keenly than I ever felt his presence.
Comment left on Taylor Muse's Blog: (with minor spelling errors fixed)
The hardest time in my life to live through was when I was trying to make -my life- make sense through the lens of the religion I'd been brought up with. Things didn't start looking up until I gave up trying to make my life meaningful in light of the fact that I had never "felt the presence of God" - which at the time made me feel with 100% certainty that I was going to hell.
As soon as I stopped believing that true love could only come from someone who refused to even talk to me (God) I started to be capable of loving myself, of loving anyone. Depending on God for love (which I never felt) led to the most unsatisfying, painful, dangerous place I've ever been in emotionally.
It makes me laugh when people say they got saved by Jesus because losing my faith was the thing that saved me from a terrifying place, where doubting God existed meant doubting I would ever really feel loved.
Instead, I discovered love was already there in my life. Recently my mom asked me how I get through the hardest times in my life not knowing that God loves me. What I told her was "You love me, that's enough" but what I didn't tell her was that God's "love" was never enough for me. Hers was.
Today, before I even read the post that inspired this comment, I wrote a poem which I titled, "An Atheist Sees the Face of God in Music" which is not meant to be a universal claim, but the description of the event. The poem does not mention God except in title, but it describes a feeling of perfect euphoria felt by being in the audience of a rock concert. For dramatic effect the girl in the poem crowd surfs, though I never have and do not wish to. I gave the poem this title because that's how I feel when I listen to music, the same way people at church seem to feel when they raise their hands and wobble back and forth during a sermon. I've never felt that way in church but in a concert hall I feel it nearly every time, if the music is good.
There's a part of me that has never understood why anyone needs God when the world is full of Music and Love.
Comment left on Taylor Muse's Blog: (with minor spelling errors fixed)
The hardest time in my life to live through was when I was trying to make -my life- make sense through the lens of the religion I'd been brought up with. Things didn't start looking up until I gave up trying to make my life meaningful in light of the fact that I had never "felt the presence of God" - which at the time made me feel with 100% certainty that I was going to hell.
As soon as I stopped believing that true love could only come from someone who refused to even talk to me (God) I started to be capable of loving myself, of loving anyone. Depending on God for love (which I never felt) led to the most unsatisfying, painful, dangerous place I've ever been in emotionally.
It makes me laugh when people say they got saved by Jesus because losing my faith was the thing that saved me from a terrifying place, where doubting God existed meant doubting I would ever really feel loved.
Instead, I discovered love was already there in my life. Recently my mom asked me how I get through the hardest times in my life not knowing that God loves me. What I told her was "You love me, that's enough" but what I didn't tell her was that God's "love" was never enough for me. Hers was.
Today, before I even read the post that inspired this comment, I wrote a poem which I titled, "An Atheist Sees the Face of God in Music" which is not meant to be a universal claim, but the description of the event. The poem does not mention God except in title, but it describes a feeling of perfect euphoria felt by being in the audience of a rock concert. For dramatic effect the girl in the poem crowd surfs, though I never have and do not wish to. I gave the poem this title because that's how I feel when I listen to music, the same way people at church seem to feel when they raise their hands and wobble back and forth during a sermon. I've never felt that way in church but in a concert hall I feel it nearly every time, if the music is good.
There's a part of me that has never understood why anyone needs God when the world is full of Music and Love.
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