Resolve to be Resolute.

In the month of January 2011
Gloria Adams-Hanley will not buy stuff.
• I will not buy books unless they are for school, because I have over 50 books on my shelves that I already do not have enough time to read.
• I will not buy Sylvia toys, because Sylvia has more than enough already.
• I will not buy fast food because it is unhealthy and expensive.
• I will not buy makeup because I rarely wear it, and it is usually destroyed by Sylvia before I’ve gotten my money’s worth.
• I will not buy DvD’s because I have all I need to watch.
• I will not buy memberships to websites because between WoW and Netflix, I am paying already as much as I wish to for entertainment.
• I will not buy music on the internet because I already have hours and hours of music on my computer and ipod, and if I want to listen to something new I have Pandora for free.
• I will not buy gadgets because I have enough to entertain myself with as it is.
• I will not buy school supplies because I have things around the house that I can reuse.
• I will not buy anything that will not make my life measurably better.

however,

• I will buy groceries for my family.
• I will buy the books I need for my classes.
• I will buy experiences that enrich my life or make me feel happy, such as tickets to experience a movie in the theatre, a pedicure to help my hurting feet, or dental service for my teeth, etc.
• I will buy gas for my car.
• I will buy memberships I have already bought, such as keeping my WoW subscription active, as well as my Netflix and MyFoodDiary subscriptions.
• I will buy, no more than once a week, a freebirds burrito. This one burrito does not count against my fast food ban.

Why are you doing this, Green?

Check out Kyeli's Book and Other Stuff Buying Ban at the Connection Revolution.

Ok, but why are YOU doing this, Green?

I suck at New Year's Resolutions. A year is a long time for me to promise myself I'm not going to do something, and especially if I promise myself I'm going to do or not do something really vague like "In 2011 I'll exercise more." Or "From now on I'll keep my room clean." These things won't happen. Self Awareness tells me that "from now on" or "for the rest of the year" does not work for me. Kyeli's bans are for all year, and I wish her luck. But the reason I failed at NaNoWriMo is that I get overwhelmed and I quit. So while I'd love to have a ban from now until the end of December... getting to the end of January will be hard enough.

We'll see how it goes.

Wish me luck.

NaNoWriMo: an Invocation

Here's a poem/prayer for all you wrimos out there. Just my way of cheering you on. :)



Write what you know. Write what you knew. Write what you’ve done. Write where you’ve been. Write what you’ve seen, what you’ve heard, what you’ve touched. Write who you are. Write what you believe. Write what you know but could never believe. Write what hurts you to think about. Write what makes you laugh every time you think about it. Write what makes you cry. Write what makes you think. Write what you know.

Write what you don't know. Write what makes you have doubts. Write what you wish you knew. Write what you wish the world was like. Find out what's wrong with that world. Write a way to fix it. Write what makes you think that we're doomed. Write a way to fix it. Write what makes you despair. Write a way to fix it. Write a maze. Get stuck for days. Write a way out. Write your way into a corner. Write your way out. Write what you think is impossible. Write what you think is impossible to write. Write what you don’t know.

Write the most beautiful things you’ve ever imagined. Write the most beautiful you ever felt. Write the first thing that makes you smile in the morning. Write the last thing that makes your heart jump before sleeping. Write the things you’ve imagined but could never make happen. Write the things you’ve planned and never had the means to do. Write the beautiful things in the world you want to see, write the beautiful things in the world you see every day. Write everything you see or think or remember that’s beautiful.

Write things that make you doubt your own sanity. Write things that make you doubt your genius. Write things that make you lose faith in humanity. Write the ugliest things you've seen. Write the things that shock you, write the things that shook you, write the things that left you lying flat on your back with the air knocked out of your lungs gasping for breath. Write the things you should have done, write the things you could have done, write the things you would have done if only you knew then what you know now.

Write a way to make it work, write a way to make amends, write a way to re-write history. Write a way to come to your own rescue and I promise you, promise you, that if you can do all this, that you will find out you have done the impossible. Write a way to overcome your fears, write a way to overcome your doubts, write a way to overcome your issues and I promise you, promise you, that when you read what you have written, that you will have done just that.

Literacy is the Most Direct Route to Freedom (Links Edition)

Hey! I’m having a super-busy day and didn’t get a chance to write up a blog, but I thought I’d provide some links to great information on banned books and other people working to raise awareness.

http://www.bannedbooksweek.org/

http://www.ala.org/ala/issuesadvocacy/banned/bannedbooksweek/index.cfm

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/29/the-11-most-surprising-ba_n_515381.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Banned_Books_Week

http://www.banned-books.com/

Literacy is the Most Direct Route to Freedom (part 2)

It's banned book week! I thought I'd celebrate by reviewing some banned or challenged books this week by writing reviews of them here in my dusty old blog. I'll try to get you five by the end of the week. Today I’ll talk about The Giver, a book I read for the first time and in one sitting this weekend. It’s been on the list of high-frequency challenged books for over a decade now, and was number 11 on ALA’s list of “Most Banned Books of the 1990’s.”

I firmly believe that everyone should read a dystopian novel at least once a year. I never feel more appreciative of the beauty of human life, nor more aware of the danger of losing it than when I have recently polished off a really good dystopia.

Like many Dystopias, the Community in The Giver is presented first as a peaceful utopia: main character Jonas is brimming with anticipation waiting to take his place in the Community, a place where there is no pain or suffering, where families are by definition nuclear. The best word I can think of to describe the community in the first half of the novel is sterile. Everything is perfectly planned, everything is accounted for, prepared for, and perfected by years of such attention to detail.

And then Jonas receives his placement: he has been chosen to be the “Receiver of Memory,” a mysterious position filled by one member of the community at a time. He becomes the apprentice to the old, fragile former Receiver, and he literally receives- telepathically- all the memories of generations of humans, including memories that precede the creation of the Community. Only then do certain facts about his world become apparent- 94 pages into the book I felt hit with a brick, realizing that I hadn’t noticed something painfully obvious about the rhetoric in the novel. As a writer I am inspired beyond telling at what Lowry achieved in this revelation.

Jonas, now aware of the possibility of raw human emotion, sees his world for what it is, and alone of his generation realizes what his people have given up to live the way they do. The book is a testament to the dangerous implications of trading potential happiness for guaranteed comfort.

So why is it so-often banned? It seems to have been challenged or banned primarily in middle schools, and the causes of these bans tends to be “unsuitable to age group” due to suicide and euthanasia. Personally, I disagree with the notion that these ideas are inappropriate for 13-14 year old students. I’ll point you to some statistics at http://www.familyfirstaid.org/suicide.html which I feel show that suicide is already an issue for pre-teens. If we want to reduce teen suicide, we need to make efforts to talk about what suicide is, what it means, how to survive the impulse. Reading and talking about books like “The Giver” could be a way to start those conversations without the worry of singling out at-risk students.

I personally feel that The Giver is appropriate for most students 12+, and is an excellent introduction to the idea of dystopia. I feel it is also an excellent resource for educators: the book can be used to discuss point of view, narrator bias, the difference between a society’s view of right and wrong and a more philosophical view of right and wrong, and the value of free choice. If I were to use it in the classroom I’d also view it as an excellent resource for teaching students how to mine a text for clues about what kind of world a character lives in: the revelation and de-layering of the society in the book is masterful. In fact, that’s the word I think I’d use for the book as a whole: masterful.

A side note for writers: The Giver won Lois Lowry her second Newbery award, and her acceptance speech available online here is one of the most profound resources I’ve ever read on inspiration and the life one leads as a creator of art. Check it out!

Literacy is the Most Direct Route to Freedom (Part 1)

It's banned book week! I thought I'd celebrate by reviewing some banned or challenged books this week by writing reviews of them here in my dusty old blog. I'll try to get you five by the end of the week. First up is "The Earth, My Butt, and Other Big Round Things" by Carolyn Mackler. I first read this book back in High School. I was a little older than main character Virginia, but we were going through the same things; weight issues, intimacy issues, trust issues, and a crumbling family life. Suffice it to say, this book has a very special place in my heart. When I found out it was one of ALA's most-challenged books of the last year, I can't say I was surprised, but I was definitely disappointed.

In The Earth, my Butt, and Other Big Round Things, protagonist and narrator Virginia Shreves tells a story of transformation from an unhappy, fat, fifteen year old girl to an empowered young woman. And here’s the catch: she makes this transformation without losing the fat. In fact, her attempts at dieting cause most of the heartache of the story for her, and only after she gives up on crash-dieting do things start looking up for her. The 2003 book tackles issues important to young, contemporary girls like eating disorders, emerging sexuality, and what happens when we see the darker side of a former idol. For these very reasons the book has been the source of some controversy, ending up as one of the top ten banned books of 2009 on ala’s website.

As the book opens, Virginia is having one of her first pre-sexual experience. Her pseudo-boyfriend is making his first attempts to feel her up under her shirt. If this isn’t enough to give a conservative reader pause, Virginia’s self-loathing soon takes center stage as we learn that she is overweight, unhappy about her body, and overshadowed by her perfect, beautiful, thin family. She writes a list she calls the “fat girl code of conduct” which stipulates that young women who are overweight don’t deserve real relationships, and in fact are bound by society to be secretly promiscuous to get attention from boys, without feeling the right to demand relationships out of fear that the attention will be cut off if they are required to be seen in public with a “fat girl.”

As the story continues, Virginia overhears the popular girls talking about how hot her older brother is and how unattractive she is by comparison. Less than five chapters in it is clear that this narrator has no self esteem and is fairly depressed about her life. When her older brother is accused of rape, her world spins upside down. She previously idolized her brother and cannot believe what he is being accused of. To escape the stress of her family life she visits a friend in another state, where she gets her eyebrow pierced. This is the first step to accepting herself and seeing herself as powerful and in control. She goes on to change her wardrobe and dye her hair bright purple.

There is a lot about the story that could be considered inappropriate and offensive to young audiences, but these are precisely the sections of the book that ring most true. The book has been banned for being inappropriate for young audiences, for sexual references, and for discussing sexual abuse. But having read the book, I feel that these subjects are dealt with in an appropriate way, and in fact are the kind of subjects young girls need to be educated on. Virginia is a heroine because she finds herself, finds pride in herself without starving herself or otherwise doing harm to her person. She does a few unorthodox things that parents might not want to see their kids doing like piercing eyebrows and dying hair purple, but the way taking control of her body empowers her is so transformative and enlightened an idea for a YA novel, that I feel banning this book is to ban the idea that young women don’t have to conform or behave to be human. The message of this book is so valuable, and so tied to the very things about it which are controversial, that I feel it should be celebrated rather than banned.

It has, indeed, been celebrated. The Earth, My Butt, and other Big Round Things has been included on ALA’s Best Book for Young Adults list, the YALSA top ten list, been a nominee or finalist for dozens of book awards, and when it was banned in Caroll County Maryland a petition of over 350 teenagers demanded it be returned to their high school bookshelves. The impact of Mackler’s book is far-reaching. Rather than banning or challenging this book, I applaud it for tackling difficult and real issues that young women face. I would encourage any young woman in crisis over her weight to read and look for inspiration in Mackler’s The Earth, My Butt, and other Big Round Things.

Too overwhelmed to update, so here's an update about being overwhelmed.

I live a dangerous life. Not one of mile-high obstacles, g-force travel or jumping off buildings or bridges suspended by elastic- not that kind of dangerous. Not that kind of danger. But I do live a life that could be potentially dangerous to myself.

I basically have two emotional modes with very little grey-area between them: bored and overwhelmed. The line between these two settings is dangerously thin, and I’ve never been much of a tightrope walker. I’m far too easily bored, and so I pile on more and more responsibility, more and more projects or classes or opportunities, until I cross that line and the water comes rushing in. The floodgates open and suddenly I can’t tell up from down.

I don’t have a solution for this yet. In fact, I’m swirling in a swimming pool of overwhelm now. It’s a pattern, a destructive pattern and I know it. What I don’t know is how to fix it. How to be interested in my life without the constant danger of it all caving in on me.

Hard Bargain Production: Week One

Last night marked a momentous occasion for myself and for Guilty Witness Productions: we wrapped week one of our first film. As I celebrated with my Co-Producer and Director, Skylar Landsee, and two of our actors, Josean and Lora, we watched some of the footage from this week and talked about how cool it was to be really doing this. We're making a movie. I thought it would be fun to go through the week and talk about what we managed to accomplish and what stumbling blocks we encountered.

Monday was the first day of shooting, a night shoot in my livingroom and backyard. There were a million things to do before we could start: last minute costume issues, arranging make-up for the cast, and setting up the location. For many people involved in the production, it was the first day of actual responsibility, the first time some of our technical staff had even met some of our actors. The shoot went late into the night. As scenes in the movie go, it was the most chaotic, lending itself to the learning process of "first day of filming." Since it was a party scene, actors invited friends to be extras.

It was to our tremendous luck that a certain TJ Mendenhall showed up to be an extra and impressed us with his lighting knowledge. Since we're a lower budget film, we planned on relying on source lighting and basic lamps, but after an hour TJ was turning our basic lamps into a much more functional display. For day 2, he even showed up with his own lighting system, LED and stage lights that will enhance our production value significantly. Monday was also our first day with our sound guy, Justin, who is a wonderful contributor not only in terms of sound, but also the ideas and suggestions he has for our actors. Our director of photography, Tim Stafford, is new to the camera, but caught on quickly, getting some great shots. All in all it was a profoundly successful first day.

Tuesday was our second day, also a party sequence, although this sequence had much more dialouge and is much more central to the emotional weight of the film. If Monday was our first chance to see what our tech could really do, Tuesday was the day we tested our actors, who rose to the occasion profoundly. Tuesday’s sequence (referred in pre-production as “Betrayal”) focuses on the disolving relationships of the two main characters of the film. For one character there is a fight, and for the other there is only silence. I was impressed with all four of our young actors: Lora Blackwell, Ben Sands, Mitch Harris, and Josean Rodriguez. TJ impressed us once more with his lighting equipment and proficiency. As we shot the end of the sequence, we were all reminded once more why casting Ben and Lora as our leads was the right decision; at 17 and 18, they both have maturity and emotional depth as actors that forshadows bright futures.

Wednesday morning was an early shoot; we only had sound until noon and had several hours’ worth of shooting to get in the can. We were on the St. Edward's campus which was beautiful and easy to work with. We'd like to thank the University Police Department for allowing us to shoot and for having such a great attitude about us being there. We were lucky to have the location; the St. Edward's campus is one of the most beautiful gems of Austin. We shot a scene with Mitch Harris and Ben Sands that after a few issues finding electrical outlets and getting sound working produced some truly wonderful footage. We then set out for our second location and our first major roadbump: we were not allowed to use that location. We lost some time and some footage, but within two hours we had found a different location, worked out a re-schedule, and moved on to filming the final scene of the film. While discouraging, we’re certain that the new location will actually be better.

That evening we set off to film “the picnic scene” with Josean and Lora and ended up getting so much good footage we’re not sure how it can be edited down to how short the scene is in the film. The two have such great chemistry and the location was so beautiful that we could not have been more encouraged by the magic of what we shot. Not only that, but we were provided with an excellent surprize dinner from our location owner, Brandi Willis. Despite the roadbumps we encountered Wednesday, it was a highly productive day with a wonderfully uplifting end.

Friday evening finished out our first week. We shot at Genuine Joe Coffeehouse on Anderson Ln in Austin. If you havn’t been, I suggest it. They have a fabulous cinnamon walnut bread I suggest, wonderfully “Austin-weird” décor, and a great attitude; the staff was quite helpful and despite the fact that it was very warm in our reserved room (we needed the AC unit off so the mic didn’t pick up the sound) we managed to get the most stressful scene in the film done in only about three hours. At this point I need to thank Safaa, Linda and Daniel who played the “friends” in the coffee shop and party scenes. They were real sports about the heat and the time commitment, and I feel lucky to have had them involved.

All in all this week has served to remind me what great company I am in. Special thanks to Angelina Adams, Tessa Morrison, Marina Neil, Ashlee Willis, as well as Elaine Blackwell, Paulette Rodriguez, Priscilla Landsee, and Brandi Willis, without whom we would not have been able to accomplish what we have this week. We are blessed by the people who have dedicated themselves to us, who have believed in us, supported us, and made our dream their dream. Two more weeks to go in the production stage, and I am more enthusiastic than ever.

To receive a copy of the script, volunteer to be involved with the production, or make a donation of any size to help this script become a movie, please e-mail us at hardbargain (dot) thefilm (at) gmail (dot) com

Thank You.

Hard Bargain, The Film

For nearly four years I have wanted to make Hard Bargain a reality. When Skylar Landsee brought the outline of the story to me, I was instantly excited. At first, it was his story and I was simply helping him work out the kinks in the outline. Then I wrote a few scenes. Then Skylar moved and the project fell apart, surfacing every few months and falling apart again. But we kept coming back to it. Every time we’d discuss making a movie, or what we wanted to do with our summer, Hard Bargain would be mentioned. We passed the same binder back and forth for three years before finally, in early 2010, Skylar gave me the outline and I wrote the script. In March of 2010 when we had a first draft, it was a culmination of years of processing, thinking, and waiting. But now, the wait is over. In the summer of 2010, Hard Bargain will become a reality.

It’s not hard to pinpoint why this story was the one we stuck with. Both Skylar and I are interested in personal relationships, political hot-button issues, and the difficulty of choices. As Skylar explained the concept once, “it’s about things that happen when you’re a teenager. Things like being gay, or being pregnant. Things you might want to tell your parents about. But what if you couldn’t tell them? What if you didn’t trust them to love you if you did tell them? Who do you tell?” I can’t speak for Skylar, but for me the story really came together when we started seeing it not as a story about issues, but instead as a love story: a story about two siblings who start out indifferent to each other, and after surviving a rotten situation together finally forge a real friendship.

The last thing I want anyone to say after seeing the film is that it’s too political. I have done my best in writing the script not to preach as to the rights or wrongs of abortion and homosexuality. I believe I have approached the topics in a matter-of-fact way; these things do happen. The only political statement I hope to make in the script is that the politicizing of these issues only serves to hurt the lives of those it involves. Rather than making a statement that abortion is wrong or right, I wish to make a statement that it happens, and that the women who make that decision are not monsters, but people who need care and compassion. Debating the morality and legality of their actions heals no one.

This is why I think Catherine and Clyde’s stories are compelling; they do not concern themselves with the political, or even the moral. They concern themselves with what is right for them, and in the end even doing what is right becomes less important than doing what is quiet. While I do not want to point fingers at religion or conservatism, I do mean to imply that supporting rules and regulations instead of supporting people and relationships is a failing strategy. I believe that one of the most "christian" things you can do is love and support someone even if they're doing something you think is horrible.

Many people will ask what the title of Hard Bargain means. The hard bargain is this: two young adults perceive the dynamic of their family to be that in order to receive love they must hide their identity and their situation. More simply: lie about who you are, and I will love you. This is, in my estimation, not only a hard bargain, but an unacceptable bargain. Unfortunately, it is one faced by thousands of young people around the world. Fit in, or you will be unloved. Obey, or you will be unloved. The problem of Hard Bargain is not caused by religion, by homosexuality, or by abortion. The problem of Hard Bargain is caused by a lack of acceptance. While the character of Liam ultimately breaks Clyde’s heart, I think he makes the boldest, most moral statement of anyone in the film: “I’m not going to help you lie. Not about who you are.”

This is the message I hope viewers take from Hard Bargain. This is the story I’m trying to tell – the cheese at the end of the tunnel: be who you are, share who you are. For the first time in two character’s lives they share themselves with their sibling and because of that they can get through the hardest, most horrible events of their young lives. Because they share their secrets, they don’t have to go through it alone. For four years I came back to Hard Bargain, knowing I had to tell that story but not understanding why until after I finally had. If you take anything from Hard Bargain, take this.

To receive a copy of the script, volunteer to be involved with the production, or make a donation of any size to help this script become a movie, please e-mail us at hardbargain (dot) thefilm (at) gmail (dot) com

Thank You.

If You Plan on Staying In, These Songs are For You.

A review of Quiet Company's May 11, 2010 release,
Songs for Staying In

(my husband wants me to tell you he likes the cover art.)

Last August, I wrote an unsolicited, glowing review of Quiet Company’s second album, “Everyone You Love Will be Happy Soon.” So when Paul (the band’s manager) asked for reviews of their new EP, I was quick to step up. If I can contribute in any small part to these guys getting hype for their new music, I’ll put forth the effort. These guys are phenomenally talented and deserve all the attention they can get.

Songwriter/Frontman Taylor Muse wrote in his blog recently that the songs on this EP are love songs that weren’t good enough to make it onto the last album but that were good enough for people to hear. I think he’s selling these songs short; while the EP is a short collection of sweet love songs, there is a gentleness and a timelessness to each song- specifically the lyrics. Each song on the album is extremely relatable and will give your heartstrings a tug.

How Do You Do It?
I have been anxiously waiting for this song to be released. I’d heard it twice live, and so it has been stuck in my head since February. Here Muse reveals his Beatles influence, delivering that perfect balance of “catchy” and “timeless” that most musicians never achieve. One thing to note about this song and the EP in general is that Quiet Company is making great use of vocal and choral harmonies. I can also attest to the fact that this song is just as awesome live.

Things You Already Know
Of the songs on the EP I hadn’t already heard, this is probably my favorite. There’s a very retro feel to the way the song opens, like it’s coming out of an antique radio. In the video released this Monday the band revealed that this vocal track with effect was a last minute addition and Paul was not a fan at first. Clearly Taylor has better judgment than Paul because it’s awesome. In the video, Taylor says that this song has the best production on the EP, and I’d have to agree. It’s quickly becoming one of my favorite Quiet Company songs.

Hold My Head Above The Water
Long story short, this song will definitely be played at my wedding. I’m not sure what higher praise I can give it. This song is as close to perfection in a love song as I’ve ever heard. Muse’s wife, Leah sings harmony with him on this track and the only way to describe their voices together is “hypnotic.” The song is simple both lyrically and musically which allows the vocal properties to shine. The song is smooth, tender, and effortless. If you can listen to this song without getting sentimental then you are definitely a robot. You should get that checked out.

Jezebel or 'A Song For My Friend About That Whore He Dated'
How do you not love a song with a title like that? The tone of this song is entirely different from the rest of the album: a little harder, a little louder, a little more bare. The turn from “I’m leaving” to “come back to me” is heartbreakingly familiar to anyone who has ever loved a dirtbag. The band has stated that they aren’t going to translate most of the EP into live performance, which is a shame. This song would rock live.

If You Want
In my last review I remarked on how cinematic some of Quiet Company’s songs are, and I think this song is a great new example of that. I can see this song being a great addition to a movie soundtrack. Not only that, but this is a perfect “slow dance” song. The poetry of the line “I shudder to think of all the horrible things I could be if I'd never have held you” breaks my heart. The ending of this song is incredibly moving, and the percussion driving through the song is perfectly executed.

The Biblical Sense of the Word
This is a gorgeous track. I’m a sucker for a good piano song and this is a great piano song. It reminds me of the best of “Everyone You Love…;” in my review of that album I made the statement that what won me over about Quiet Company was the lyrics, and this is a great example of why. Muse stated on his formspring recently that his most deeply held belief is that Love is transformative and beautiful. This song is a perfect manifesto for that belief. “We make our lives worth living when we love each other.” Indeed.

So that’s the EP. I loved it. You will too. Go to www.quietcompanymusic.com where every week they’re releasing a song from the EP as well as a video of them chatting about that week’s song. Listen. Watch. If you have good taste you’ll fall head over heels in love with them instantly. After that you’ll want to pre-order the EP, which will get you all the songs in a digital download right away. After that you’ll want to go to their May 7th EP release concert at Encore in Austin.

I’ve been a fan of Quiet Company since 2007 and I’ve stayed a loyal and active fan for two reasons: 1) they are amazing musicians 2) they are amazing people. It is truly a joy being their fan. But don’t listen to me… listen to their music.

Quest Completed: Achievement unlocked: 40 days wow-free

So I gave up WoW for lent. Really, I wanted to see what it would be like to quit playing for a month or so, and calling it lent would give me a support system of my mom keeping me honest about not playing. I blogged in February about Lent, and how I think it’s good to give things up. Easter is this Sunday, which means I’ve made it about 37 days through Lent- not to mention the two weeks before Lent that I had pretty much stopped playing. So I thought I’d check in and see how it went.

The effect quitting WoW had on me was about equivalent to quitting raiding. I had a few more free nights because I wasn’t devoting those periods of time to the game. But here’s the thing: about the same amount of time was spent doing other “chill time” things. I started chatting more with friends on Facebook. I spent a little more time reading web comics. Also, I realized how much my WoW time was also spent watching TV. My mom and I watch a fair amount of TV, and without WoW I spent that time just watching the show, or fiddling around with the internet while watching TV.

The few days where I got home and went straight to bed without hanging out and decompressing I ended up burning out quicker than usual. So maybe WoW isn’t the problem. Maybe there is no problem. Maybe I just need a certain amount of time to hang out and chill and I’m going to take it. I can’t say I’ve had more trouble getting things done than is reasonable for my course load. The only real time crunch is getting all the 9-5 stuff in, and I never played WoW at that time, anyway.

So there it is. I wanted to quit to see if/how it changed things. It really didn’t. So there’s the lesson. I don’t have to be 100% efficient. I’ve been expecting a lot of myself lately. I’m taking 18 hours of classes at St. Edward’s University, I have a 30 hour crew component to one class, and two teaching internships at local area schools. So long as I’m getting all of that done, I can afford to spend a little time dancing in front of the bank of Dalaran.

While the experiment was useful, I don’t think I’m going to quit for good. Ultimately, I was worried it was taking too much time from my already overrun schedule. But I think it’s ok. The distance was good for perspective, but other than that giving it up wasn’t a big deal at all. So I guess I’ll keep playing so long as I’m having fun.

I'm excited.. expect spme all caps.

In addition to having the BEST BIRTHDAY'S EVE EVER I am now having the BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.

Eve:
Got my car legal and MINE. I now drive a station wagon.
My scene in Performance went so very well!
Cupcake party with my St. Ed's friends.
Quiet Company concert with a NEW SONG YAY
Finally got to meet the lovely Leah Muse who was wearing the coolest shoes ever.
My mom conspired to have the best present OF MY LIFE waiting for me at home. Pics later.

Birthday!
I woke up to a HUGE bundle of flowers with a tag that completed Joshua's Birthday countdown sentence: "I need you like oxygen" *melt*
Krispy Kreme Donut in bed!
Long Hot shower where there was enough hot water!
Made caterpillars out of bananas in my first class of the day (Education class activity)
Made amazing strides in tutoring Hsa at the middle school and felt like a REAL TEACHER!
Got brownies to share with my last classes of the day
Got a badass parking spot on campus (THIS NEVER HAPPENS)

Also? The weather is my absolute perfect ideal day.

Birthday MAGIC.

To conclude I will be singing karaoke with all of my favorite people at Shooters Blue on 620. I'll get there between 9:30 and 10 and we'll have a cupcake cake. Be there if you can. I'll be happy to see you.

Thinking About God on a Rainy Day

This was a comment left on another blog, but I felt the need to put it here, to keep it visible for myself. This is the kind of thing that I try to gloss over with my family, but it's not worth it to hide. It's important to work through. I've forgotten a lot about the time in my life where faith was a struggle and not a comfort. I've entered a place of calm agnosticism, where I find the existence of God equally possible and impossible. I can feel that kind of peace only because I made it through the times when the absence of God in my life made me want to die. I've often been jealous of people I know who are certain of the existence of their God. They seem so comforted by it. I never was. Like an absent father or an abusive spouse, I felt the absence of God more keenly than I ever felt his presence.

Comment left on Taylor Muse's Blog: (with minor spelling errors fixed)

The hardest time in my life to live through was when I was trying to make -my life- make sense through the lens of the religion I'd been brought up with. Things didn't start looking up until I gave up trying to make my life meaningful in light of the fact that I had never "felt the presence of God" - which at the time made me feel with 100% certainty that I was going to hell.

As soon as I stopped believing that true love could only come from someone who refused to even talk to me (God) I started to be capable of loving myself, of loving anyone. Depending on God for love (which I never felt) led to the most unsatisfying, painful, dangerous place I've ever been in emotionally.

It makes me laugh when people say they got saved by Jesus because losing my faith was the thing that saved me from a terrifying place, where doubting God existed meant doubting I would ever really feel loved.

Instead, I discovered love was already there in my life. Recently my mom asked me how I get through the hardest times in my life not knowing that God loves me. What I told her was "You love me, that's enough" but what I didn't tell her was that God's "love" was never enough for me. Hers was.



Today, before I even read the post that inspired this comment, I wrote a poem which I titled, "An Atheist Sees the Face of God in Music" which is not meant to be a universal claim, but the description of the event. The poem does not mention God except in title, but it describes a feeling of perfect euphoria felt by being in the audience of a rock concert. For dramatic effect the girl in the poem crowd surfs, though I never have and do not wish to. I gave the poem this title because that's how I feel when I listen to music, the same way people at church seem to feel when they raise their hands and wobble back and forth during a sermon. I've never felt that way in church but in a concert hall I feel it nearly every time, if the music is good.

There's a part of me that has never understood why anyone needs God when the world is full of Music and Love.

I'm a control freak; you'd think I'd have mastered self-control by now.

I am not a very religious person. This is a statement that really shouldn’t surprise much of anyone, but I thought it was necessary to state because where I’m going with this post is going to verge on ideas I’ve grown up with, being raised catholic.

I’ve been feeling like shit for months- overworked, under motivated, and generally as if most of what I’m filling my time with is worthless- as if I’m wasting myself. So I began to try and recall the time in my life when I felt most successful, healthy, happy. I landed in my junior year of high school, sometime after my birthday up to about a month before the end of the school year. Anyone familiar with both school calendars and catholic calendars will be able to identify this time as lent.

While there are many parts of Catholicism that make no sense to me whatsoever, I’ve recently understood Lent in a way I never did growing up. For years I thought of it as ridiculous- what did God care if you stopped eating chocolate until Easter? Even my shaky theology now is sufficient to say that he doesn’t. But there’s something to it, this idea of “giving something up.”

There’s something about depriving yourself of something unnecessary that makes you feel really amazing, especially if it’s something you’ve begun to depend on too much. My mom usually gives up chocolate or soda, and while that may seem frivolous to you, I get it. The chemicals in these things are emotional satisfiers for her- a kind of self-medication that sometimes gets out of hand. Forcing yourself to abstain from something that has become a chemical or emotional dependence for you is empowering.

Like your body, your self-control has to be exercised every once in a while to keep working at all. I find it interesting that a religion that goes very far to allow for confession and absolution to make up for loss of self-control also includes a specific time of the year where we must exercise our self control, where the community holds you responsible for a promise you’ve made (in their hearts ‘to god’ but in my heart) to yourself to exercise your self control.

Even non-Catholics do this. We diet. We ‘cut back’ on drinking. We make New Years Resolutions to stop doing whatever bad behavior we’ve decided is worth taking a long look at, worth trying out the absence of. What lent gives us that New Year’s Resolutions and diets don’t is a time limit. If you’re on a diet to lose 20 pounds you might be on it for 10 weeks or 10 months. But lent is 40 days. At the end of 40 days without something you can be pretty sure to have some perspective. How hard was it to give up? How good do you feel without it? It might just make you appreciate it all the more.

The year I mentioned earlier, my junior year? I gave up red meat. A beef roast never in my life tasted as good as it did on Easter that year. Nothing to do with the holiday, just an affirmation of the old adage, “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” And if it doesn’t, it probably means that it’s something you didn’t really need after all. And knowing you don’t need it is half the empowerment gained from self-control.

Whether you’re catholic or jewish or a witch or an atheist, I encourage you to think about what in your life you could go without for 40 days. Something challenging but not life-threatening. Like giving up candy, or fast food, or any little indulgence you think might be getting out of hand. Don’t call it lent if you’re not catholic… call it a “self-control experiment.”

So what am I giving up?

I’ve been struggling for a while with spending too much time playing video games, namely WoW. I don’t want to throw around the term “addiction” because I don’t think it is, but it is a time sink that has become a little too much for me. I checked out when my current subscription would end, thinking I’d keep playing until that came up and then I’d take a serious break. I can renew my account at any time, and until then see what I’d be doing with all that glorious time I’m currently spending on the game. When I checked my subscription end date, it was February 17th.

February 17th, which is also Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. I don’t believe in signs, or providence, or fate… but that seems like some pretty perfect timing to me.

A Poetic License Never Expires

I have this theory- well, it’s more of a belief. We go through our lives trying to define ourselves. Maybe in words, but mostly in actions. Think about the last time you signed up for a social media site like Myspace, Facebook, ect. You had to fill out a section of space about yourself, about your interests. How did you go about filling it out?

I’ve read through a lot of profiles and most people tend to define themselves with a few vague adjectives and then a long list of “interests.” For example, my interests are theatre, literature, education, and if the site is less formal I’ll include my relatively recent interests in video games and web comics.

What I want to talk about right now is the things I never mention. The things that once were a big part of my self-identification that are now outdated hobbies. Like art. When I was younger I wanted to be an artist until I realized that I was awful at drawing. Then I discovered Photoshop and spent several years thinking I’d go to college for graphic design. Only four years ago I counted my three biggest interests as theatre, education, and graphic design. Based on my college schedule it’s obvious that education and theatre won.

Graphic design is still there for me. Every once and a while I’ll see an ad looking for a designer or an artistic submission and my heart aches a little knowing that if I’d made different choices I’d be there with enough education and experience to be good enough. I use my skills sometimes, too. For the past three years I’ve worked on the program for my high school theatre’s musical. It’s mostly ad work, but there’s something really special bout taking a couple baby pictures and kind word’s from a kid’s family and turning it into an ad to support them in the program. Not as artistic as the stuff I’d make for myself, but it warms my heart.

I think about these things sometimes. How if we won the lottery and I didn’t have to think about job security I might spend a few extra years in college just to dabble in graphic design, learn how to really polish the one thing I can really say I was never taught- something I taught myself and just had a knack for. Maybe I’d work on my photography or drawing skills.

What’s most poignant for me today is the fact that these things never go away. As much as I’ve suffocated my art it pops up every once in a while in the form of an irresistible desire to make LiveJournal icons or a header for a friend’s website. There are other skills that occasionally try to assert themselves- I haven’t sung in any venue but karaoke since high school, but every now and again I’ll see some choir recruiting and just wonder. There are also the things that I’ve gained over the years- poetry is one, and it’s making a mark in my life that I’ll have to describe at another time.

I guess the whole point is, the art is in me. Whether I’m called to draw, sing, paint or write a poem, it’s there. I’ve spent nearly 20 years struggling to find a medium for the words swirling around in my head. I’ve been moving around looking for a way to put things down, to express myself. And it doesn’t matter whether it makes it into my poetry, or my blog, or my about me section ever.

I am an artform. So are you.

If Teaching doesn't work out, I'd like to write book reviews...

It’s been a while since I’ve shared my revelations with the internet. Rest assured, it’s not because I haven’t had any. If anything, I’m more voracious than ever in terms of the material I’m chomping down on.

In two weeks, I’ve read three books, all by the same author. After reading Ishmael and Story of B last semester, I opened my year with a trip to the public library, where I checked out everything they have to offer by Quinn. Adding My Ishmael and Providence to my list of partially digested (mentally!) works, last night I curled up with After Dachau. At 4:30 this morning I’ve just finished it. It’s been years since I’ve devoured a book in one setting, and I wish I could say that this time it was because the book was so good. Quite the opposite.

Compared to the previous Quinn novels I’ve read, After Dachau is a supreme let down. What makes Quinn’s other works so irresistible is his ability to package challenging, paradigm-shattering revelatory philosophy in the structure of a cogent, evocative story. With Story of B, I felt he wavered marginally in this regard, getting caught in the story and neglecting his purpose. But if Story of B is a marginal misstep, After Dachau is an embarrassing tumble. The lesson of After Dachau is entirely incomprehensible by the story- While the exposition is handled flawlessly and the Shyamalan-esque twist is performed masterfully by Quinn, shortly after this reveal the plot spins out of control, leaving the intrigued reader high and dry.

This is not to say that After Dachau’s philosophy falls flat- rather, the story ultimately overtakes the philosophy, so that the potential of the novel is undermined by plot holes, an issue not found in Quinn’s other works because the story was always a vehicle for Quinn’s Purpose. In After Dachau, the story is in the driver’s seat, and the Purpose is left far behind. Readers of Quinn’s novels and Providence will be aware that many of his ideas have formed over the course of his lifetime, arriving in their current written form finally chiseled and distilled for full effect. Unfortunately, After Dachau is an evolved idea that Quinn presents as a whole novel which he more concisely explained in a previous work- in my opinion to greater effect.

Regarding Ishmael: Not since Jeffery Eugenides’ Middlesex have I desperately handed copies of a book to everyone I know in the hopes that the book would enact an understanding in them the way it did in me. For a number of months now I have been struggling with what I’ve taken from Ishmael and its sequels. I’m in a mindset now to say that I cannot recommend any book more vehemently than I do Ishmael. For me, the natural reaction to Ishmael is to continue along the path through Quinn’s other works. Upon completing each of Quinn's novels I have felt a distinct feeling of panic, as if I have been deposited in the wilderness and left to find my own way home. With the Ishmael books this panic was somehow empowering, but with After Dachau there is no panic, just a feeling of inexplicable angst, like an unresolved chord.

Unfortunately for me, After Dachau was a misstep, not for the story it attempted to tell, but ultimately because the “lesson” was hijacked by a plot that started strong, ended weak, and resisted all attempts at achieving Quinn’s signature “oomph!”