Why I Go To Church (Even though I'm a filthy sinner)

I'm not good at making new friends. It's not a skill I possess. As a student it was easy to find people to hang out. You're in English? I'm in English, too! Let's have lunch together! But even now, in college, it's harder. Most college students don't have babies or spouses, and those that do are generally a few years older than me, and their lives are already too full balancing family and school to need me. So I'm alone.

My mother once told me that it's harder to make friends as an adult because you can only meet people at work, at church, or in bars. Which for us means there aren't a lot of places to meet people like us. I don't work, and I have nothing in common with people at bars. Namely because unless there's karaoke I don't want to be in a bar. And even then, I'm not too happy about the karaoke being in a bar. So that leaves Church.

I quit going to church in middle school when I was first coping with the reality that I was definitely bi- and probably just a big fat lesbian. I knew I liked girls and only rarely liked boys. I knew pictures of muscle-y men turned me off, and that probably meant I was gay. I've since made peace with the fact that I like some girls, and have fallen in love with the least macho guy ever. But at the time I was sure it was a huge problem. I "knew" that Christians hated gays, and thought they were going to hell. I "knew" that the only reason to go to church was to save yourself from hell. So I figured, why bother? They're going to hate me anyway.

I remember when I was first dating Joshua and he brought me to his church- not to the service but to the college-age youth group. They'd sing songs for about 15 minutes and then sit around a circle where a guy would discuss a bible passage and what it meant to people living in the 21st century. How to apply it, how to make meaning out of it. And even when I disagreed, I was interested. I like disagreeing. I like debating. And after the bible study everyone would go out for burgers. And I thought "I could get into this." I don't necessarily agree with them about God or the Bible, but I liked burgers.

I fell out of the habit after Sylvia was born- I was afraid they would judge me terribly for being pregnant. They were, after all, Christians. And in my head I defined Christians as judgmental. But a month or so ago when my mom lost her job I was hurting. I had no one to talk to that wasn't living through the same problems I was. No one with perspective. No one who could understand my worry for my marriage and my child. No one who had any reason to believe it would get better. So I went to church. I went to the Young Family's group, a group filled with young couples who are worried about their marriages and their children, who have faith that it will all get better.

Maybe it's petty, but it helps. I don't feel so alone.